It’s a Tuesday morning, the kids are at school, no beds have been made, the kitchen is a total disaster, there is a trail of clothes down one hall way, leading to another. Pandora is blasting from the speakers, I just made my 3rd cup of coffee, still in my pajamas wearing mis matched socks and I have never been happier!!
So the story behind my nanny issues is well documented but when I found Ashley I was sure the Nanny Chronicles was going to be a one time story and not a series. She was my gift from God to prepare me for where I sit right now, I just didn’t know it at the time. I’m almost glad I didn’t because I think I would not have allowed myself to accept it. In December as I was sitting in my office, just another workday I received a text from Ashley that read,
“Could you please find some time in your day that we could talk ….”
She didn’t have to say another word, I already knew what this conversation was. I had feared this day. I put my phone in the top drawer of my desk, as if that would make the text go away. I kept opening the drawer, just enough to see my phone and then finally turned it off. I couldn’t do this life without her, she was my 10 year olds best friend, she loved Elizabeth like a sister and Alex … well Alex and Ashley were just that! She knew me and loved me for who I was and never judged me, always supported me and she was my rock. I had no idea how I could ever replace her and time would prove that I couldn’t. She was family and when she was gone our house became empty without her. I still haven’t said goodbye to her even though she’s been gone for almost 4 months now. I won’t, she will always have a place in our life, our hearts and our home. The search for the new Ashely began and I hated it … no one could compare so I began convincing myself that I needed to just stay home with the kids. Let me have a very honest conversation with you regarding this statement.
I am a terrible stay at home mom! No really … I have said this to many. I have worked my entire life, taking off long enough to have 4 children but would always find a way to cut maternity leave short and find myself back in my fast paced career life that I honestly love! I have to say that I have had really great jobs, fun and high profile ones that you just don’t want to give up to hang out with your 150 pound lab all day wearing mis matched socks while the kids are in school. Up by 4:30am, beds made and the house was P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I think people often wondered if anyone ever actually lived in our house! Evening events, weekends filled with appearances and week long trips from one side of the country to the other fueled me. Nope, staying home was not for me so up went the add for a new nanny and I continued on with the movers and shakers building my career to new heights. I was offered an opportunity that would give me a little more flexibility with the kids and allow me to search for the next Ashely that looking back on I see now was a part of God’s plan to ultimately call me home.
Those who know me and who have followed this blog know that I am one of God’s biggest challenges. I tend to follow my own path and it usually takes something pretty significant from God to get my attention. I’m always asking for a sign and He usually provides only I require the billboard, neon blinking ones. Well about 2 weeks ago that sign hit me hard and in true Pam fashion I fought it and God won … I don’t know why I am surprised! Single moms can not be stay at home moms, at least this was my thought process or maybe it was what I needed to tell myself to keep from having this role. I needed to work to provide for my family, pay the bills, have health insurance and continue a lifestyle we had grown accustom to. How do you tell people that you are a single mom and you don’t have a job, what in the world will they think? And as if dating in your 40’s with 4 children, one with special needs wasn’t challenging enough lets just add and now unemployed?!
“We need to talk, God …”
What is He thinking? I … I … what …. yeah that’s how the conversation started. I imagine God standing there just as patient and unphased by my what I call “bump and go” of words that I can’t get out desperately trying to come up with some argument of how and why this is not going to work for me and knowing I am not going to get my way I finally throw my hands up. I set out to prove my point that He was very wrong about this change in my life He planned. Would you like to know how that’s working for me?
Just before Elizabeth was delivered the doctors told us that she would not be breathing and what path did we want them to take with her? We could let her go, hold her and spend as much time as we needed to say goodbye or …. I remember looking around the operating room at the team of doctors and nurses waiting for my permission to let this happen and I said with such strength and calmness that I know could have only come from God Himself, you do whatever it takes to save her. At that very moment I knew and accepted whatever Gods plan was I wouldn’t fight this one but honor Him and spend the rest of her life taking care of her. Well, it’s been 11 years and I am finally doing what I promised God I would do. Oh it’s the hardest job I have ever had in my life, I don’t think even I realized how much more I would work. I have traded my Michael Kors for Asics, mornings are absolute mayhem, power lunches have now turned into whatever was left over from what I packed for the kids lunch. I have finally figured out car line and that between the hours of 3:00 and 9:00 I never sit down. Chick-Fil-A and cereal bar have been replaced with home cooked meals, iTunes playing our favorite songs as we dance around the kitchen laughing until our sides hurt.
So God knew, long before I did that the ultimate plan for me was to be a mom and for that I am most blessed to have this opportunity to be the one to wake up my children every morning, to be home every afternoon and tuck them in every night. This is the most important role I will have in my life, this is where I am supposed to be …. HOME.