If I close my eyes I can be back in that hospital room, I can see myself laying in the bed covered in white sheets, a weak and crumbled mess. The door opened and I saw my dad walking towards me. I could tell from the look on his face that I was very, very sick.
Daddy, I don’t feel well at all ….
This is not a common statement for me. In fact I am the one who rarely complains if I am sick or troubled by anything, my very known response to those around me when asked if anything is wrong is always, “oh nothing …” It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to tell you or that I am hiding anything, it simply means that it is just something I can totally handle and not bother those I love with something that will pass. My dad will tell you to this day that when I said that to him he knew I was in trouble and soon this man who had spent years and years standing over hospital beds healing the sick was being forced to return to his patient filled days only this time it was to save his daughter.
Within minutes I was surrounded by a team of doctors and nurses. I could feel people pricking me with needles and talking over me about how low my blood pressure was dropping. The only thing I remembered about that day, this first morning after Elizabeth was born was that the sun had come up. For me this was the promise that Elizabeth was going to be okay, this was my sign from God that He had brought her through the night, a night that I was told she would not survive and it was Him who was cradling her since I could not. For the next 5 days this would be all I would remember, that the sun had come up each morning and that someone would come in and tell me that Elizabeth had lived another day. My hospital bed was right next to a wall of windows and I would feel that warm glow on my face and then I would remember nothing until the next morning when I felt it again. There was so much hope in that sunrise. I have come to live for the mornings because of this. It is the Lord giving us another day, another chance to get it right, forgiveness, a new beginning … no matter how many times we need it.
It would turn out that I was extremely lucky to have survived that week. My body had become septic and I later learned that at the same time Elizabeth’s had as well. I had no idea that my family and friends were praying vigils around the two of us, I only knew that the sun had brought me the promise of a second, third, fourth and fifth chance.
I recently read an excerpt from Max Lucida’s book Fearless. There was a quote that said:Each sunrise seems to bring fresh reasons for fear ….
I was so taken back by this. How can this be? How can anyone carry fear into a promise of a new beginning, another chance? But then I realized that we all do this, we all carry over into each day our fears from yesterday, last week, last month .. even our fears from years ago. We are so centered on our past and allow it to hold us back from Gods plan for our future. We live by the hurt that others have caused us and hold onto the past for fear of it repeating itself.
Evening walks are becoming a part of my daily routine. A few nights ago as I turned the corner I began to feel the warmth of the sun as it began to set. I picked up my pace a little as if it was going to disappear before I could feel that old familiar feeling from years ago. As I drew closer I leaned my head back and allowed the sun to pour through me. I needed that promise again, I needed to know that no matter what had happened that day tomorrow this sun would rise again and that God did not hold on to today. This is not a pass for us to continually screw up …. let me make this very clear. We are imperfect and we will make mistakes, we may make the same mistake over and over again however the recognition of and the asking of forgiveness is vital and God will, He absolutely will work in us and through us if we allow Him to. It may take some time, and it surely won’t be easy but God’s mercy does not hold on to our mistakes or reminds us over and over again that we have already asked for forgiveness once.