The last few days my life has felt very much like our weather here in NWA, cloudy and stormy. Tears have been wept much like the skies have poured the rains down upon us. I have desperately been trying to find my place in this world and I am left asking myself where do I belong? I have loved and lost, lied and been lied to, blamed and been blamed. I have grieved too soon the lives of those closest to me. I feel like pieces of my life have been scattered across this journey I have been asked to travel. I have cursed God for the heartache, questioned Him and this plan for my life that He seems to continually take down on the road less traveled.
I love the innocence of my children and their relationships with God. They are each unique to their own personalities and while sometimes untraditional, they are still finding their walk and I am so enjoying watching them as they find the paths that lead them to their relationship with Him. A few years after AC passed away I took Nathan with me to lay flowers on the grave. Just a baby when his uncle died, I wanted him to grow up knowing the kind of man he was. It’s so ironic how much the two of them are so much alike and how Nathan favors his uncle more and more the older he becomes. Nathan has grown up hearing the stories our childhood, I always wondered how much he really took in. I also wondered just what he thought all those time we would visit the cemetery. Late one evening after a visit to AC’s grave as we drove through the headstones Nathan asked me if I knew what a cemetery was. I will tell you that I was somewhat saddened that all this time I had been explaining to him where we were and why we were there had not made the impression I had hoped it would. I sat in silence for a few moments trying to figure out how to explain to a toddler what a cemetery was when Nathan said this …
It is Jesus’ parking lot ….
I smiled at him and said yes it is, Nathan … that is exactly what this is.
So it should have come as no surprise to me this afternoon when Alex, following in his big brothers footstep, tilted his head back in his seat, looked up and said, “look, Mommy there is heavens hole …” My first thought was to have a very grown up and logical conversation with him about the clouds and storms and how we can not see heaven. But as I sat next to him and tilted my head to catch a glimpse of this hole in heaven he was seeing I instead asked him why there was a hole in heaven. He had several answers for me …. one was that someone had died and God had made a hole so they could get into heaven, another was that God needed a peep hole to watch over us when it’s cloudy outside but my favorite and the one I sought the most peace in was that someone needed to see God.
This was that day for me, I needed to see God.